So much advice, so little time
Discover how an Engineering Manager's self-reflection on trust reshaped his relationship with his team, proving that even in leadership, vulnerability is a strength.
“Eugene, you don’t trust me,” Bob said, a pained look in his eyes.
Bob was a direct report I took over from another manager a few weeks back. He’d transitioned from an SDET to an SDE role and was struggling with some fundamental computer science concepts. “What’s a call stack?” he once asked me.
I had strong reservations about Bob’s ability as an engineer, and that came out in the way I double-checked things he said and questioned him more than I did the rest of my team.
The thing is, one of my stated values is implicit trust in my team members. So, when Bob came to me with his concern, I felt my stomach drop out. I wasn’t living up to my values. I was a hypocrite. Craaaaaap!
The value of advice
I’ve written a ton of advice articles about how an Engineering Manager should function. A question arises: do I, as an Engineering Manager, follow all that advice?
The answer, unfortunately, is “not always.” That’s what this article is about.
The next logical question you might be asking yourself is, “is Eugene a hypocrite, and what is the point of his advice if he himself doesn’t always follow it?”
The answer to that question is, we’re all human, and sometimes, with the best possible intentions, our behavior doesn’t match our values. The purpose of all the advice I’ve given on Empathic Insights is to set a North Star, a direction that I do my best to follow, even if I can’t always get to its destination.
Managers are only human
- Recognize that, with the best possible intentions, your behavior will not always match your values.
- Put a system in place to detect when that’s happening and use the system to correct your behavior.
As managers, the most obvious system we have access to is our team. When Bob came to me with his concern, he did so because I had previously stressed that I welcomed any constructive feedback he may have. I was very explicit about my values as a manager and asked him to come to me with any concerns about disconnects between those values and my behavior. In effect, I empowered him to be my guardrails.
And it worked. The first thing I did when Bob mentioned his concern was to apologize. I said it was unacceptable for me to display a lack of trust in my team members. I promised to do better. Then we talked about my concern about Bob’s understanding of computer science topics and how those concerns could be addressed in a constructive way.
Over the next few weeks, I made it a point to show trust while backchanneling my concerns about Bob’s performance as an engineer. As it happened, he was whip-smart, and whatever concepts he lacked he picked up very quickly. I checked in with him a month later to ask if his concern was resolved, and he said yes, he didn’t feel the same lack of trust he had felt before. A decade later, our professional paths have parted but we still stay in touch, cheering on each other’s successes.
Permission to fail
Look, folks, we’re all fallible. Have some empathy for yourself. Recognize that sometimes even managers screw up, even when they have the best possible intentions. Give yourself permission to fail from time to time, but always apologize and do better next time.
And as for all that advice on Empathic-Insights? Let it serve as your North Star, for whatever advice resonates with your inner set of values. And discard the rest.
