Empathy Unearthed: A Journey Towards Understanding Others Part I: Why Empathy?

Just last year I was with my sister, and she commented on a particularly empathic behavior that I was exhibiting. She said, “Wow Jason, maybe you are becoming an empath.” I realized in that moment that I did not used to be very empathic, and even now am still working on it. A few years ago a co-worker said to me, “We’ve worked together for two years - and I don’t think you even know the names of my kids.”  This stuck with me. I've sought to be more intentional about showing empathy and concern for the people around me and this has helped me both in my personal and professional life.  I want to share that journey with you and encourage you to bring empathy into every encounter.

It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me

I spend a lot of my life focused on myself. I know all my favorite foods, colors, vacation places, songs, movies, and books. When I experience loss or stress or happiness, I’m affected physically and emotionally. These are things that I can feel.

However, feeling others’ experiences is a different story. As a human being with selfish impulses, I often struggle to lift my eyes up and look around at what is happening in other people’s lives. This can have a negative impact on both personal and professional relationships.

Thankfully, my perspective has changed over time and I want to share my own path towards empathy and encourage you to continue your own journey. My journey has shaped how I show up in the workplace every day, how I lead organizations, and how I interact with people at every level.

But you weren’t even listening

Empathy is the ability to understand someone else - their feelings, their perspectives, their pains, their joys - and to some degree partaking in those feelings personally - being able to “laugh with those who laugh, weep with those who weep,” (paraphrasing Romans 12:15).

Sure, active listening skills can help you approximate the kind of feelings and behaviors described above. But empathy is more than a set of skills that can be practiced and perfected, enabling you to imitate behavior or act interested (or even indeed become interested because of your focused attention). Empathy requires genuine care for the person.  And that does not require knowing the person well.

But I’m in a new hell

Empathy tends to be easier with people you already love. You (hopefully) understand and share emotions with your spouse, for example. Or your close friends. You are emotionally invested in these people, so when they are affected by something, you are naturally affected as well. But empathy requires being able to take the time to understand even those you do not have that relationship with – even people you may not even know.

“Hell is other people” - Jean Paul Sartre

I know what you’re thinking, “...other people are the worst! They have bad ideas. They smell different. They like things that I think are dumb. They are wrong a lot. They drive poorly. They cut in line. They make people cry. They don’t try hard. They break things. They make me angry. How can I possibly have empathy for them?”

Here's the twist I learned... people matter.

But, lord, you made me feel important

My journey started with this somewhat philosophical realization. Everybody is equal.

For the purposes of this article, I will use the Oxford Languages definition of equal, “a person or thing considered to be the same as another in status or quality.” In contrast I will use the term “same” by its definition “identical; not different.”

I believe people are equal because we’re literally made of the same stuff, by the same creator, on the same plane of human existence. This makes us equal at a core, fundamental, atomic level. Personally, I had to realize that I am equal to that person, not "everyone is equal to me." The hard part was reconciling my all-too-lofty view of myself to the not-lofty-enough view of everyone else in the world - the struggling, the error-prone, the people that bug me, etc… I’m equal to them.

It is not about being better or worse, it is about acknowledging our place in the universe as a common human race. We are literally equal in status and quality.

Throughout my life I often read and was surprised by how Jesus treated people. He made a profound impact on the world by how he treated everyone. The lowliest person received as much attention, and often more than, the most famous wealthy person or political leader in his society.

However, I eventually realized why Jesus was showing such attention to those outcast by society. It wasn't that Jesus was treating them this way because they’re having a hard time in life (“aw, look how he treats those people!”). They were worthy of his attention because he just loved people without qualification or distinction. He didn't see them as less than the wealthy at all. He saw everyone as completely 100% equal in status and quality - we are all equally lovable. He even taught people to love their neighbors which he clarified included people from other faiths and ethnicities, a stark contrast to the religious leaders of his day (see the story of the good Samaritan in Luke 10 – Samaritans were hated by Jews, but Jesus destroyed racial/religious boundaries by equating them).

Our hangup is we tend to see people as less than or better than ourselves (in status and quality). We see people as “other people.” Only when I started to grasp this could I start seeing them correctly. This didn’t happen overnight. The way I perceived myself in relation to others had to change.

A lack of empathy results from thinking oneself greater than the other person. That I’m so important I can’t be bothered to listen to this other person enough to even try to imagine what they’re going through.

I’m the only one of me, baby that’s the fun of me

Perhaps some of you reading this have a different self-perspective - one of not seeing yourself worthy of attention. You feel like you don’t matter. This is completely false. You are as worthy of attention as Taylor Swift, the president of the United States, your company’s CEO, and your next-door neighbor. You are worthy not because of your accomplishments, or bank account, or circumstances, or physical description. You are no less worthy because of your failures, mistakes, guilt, critical nature, short temper. You are born worthy as a member of the human race, we are all due equal respect because of who we are - people. But you are also unique.

We are equal, but we are not the same.

She wears short skirts, I wear T-shirts.

People are equal but not the same. This is a mistake that many of us make in trying to practice empathy. We think, “this person is the same as me” - but this leads to assumptions that people think like we do, like the same things, come to the same conclusions. Then when we run into disagreements and dissonance, we wonder what’s wrong with that person? Nothing is wrong with that person; they’re not the same as you and they never were, nor will they ever be.

Every person is a beautifully unique individual, a singular expression of humanity. No person ever existed like that person. And none will ever exist again. We are shaped by our experiences, our genetic makeup, our parents, our faith, our losses and victories, our income bracket, hometown, love interests, opportunities, weaknesses, and strengths. The diversity of humanity is infinite. People are incredible.

So, I learned that all these other people matter. They matter a lot. Seeing their value as a person wholly worthy of every kindness and consideration I could possibly show them enhanced my ability to be concerned about them in ways I never had before. And that's where empathy can begin.

Why Empathy? Because people are worthy of our attention.

In Part II I will share how empathy can be applied in the workplace to improve your relationships and ultimately help you become a more effective communicator.